


Fowl Play (aka Thanks for Nothing Watari)

by ZombieJesus



Series: Checkmate AU Side Fics and One-Shots [3]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: And they follow directions badly, Attempt at Humor, But I find the idea of Watari giving these three cooking lessons hilarious, But maybe I made you smile a little, But you don’t know until you try, Crack, Everyone go out for Chinese, Gen, No point in reading now, Sad isn’t it, Silly, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving dinner is ruined, The Death Note does not work on turkeys, Whelp I spoiled it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 20:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12801510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieJesus/pseuds/ZombieJesus
Summary: Can you kill a turkey with a death note? Can you make the turkey cook itself too? No harm in trying!Crackfic where Watari tries to get Light, L, and Beyond to cook a Thanksgiving turkey and it all goes very, very, wrong.





	Fowl Play (aka Thanks for Nothing Watari)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Checkmate](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12018279) by [ZombieJesus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieJesus/pseuds/ZombieJesus). 



Watari stood in the enormous kitchen of Kira HQ, considering that the greatest educational challenge of his life may be standing directly before him. He adjusted his glasses, smoothed his broom-like grey mustache, and cleared his throat dramatically to silence the three chattering in front of him. "AHEM."

 

Beyond, sitting on top of the kitchen counter, turned towards Watari and blew a giant cloud of cigarette smoke in his direction. "L, tell me this ain't happening. Please tell me that Watari is NOT putting us in charge of cooking something more complicated than toast."

 

L grimaced, staring down at a hole in the shoe Watari had made him put on before entering the kitchen. Catching brilliant criminal masterminds seemed vastly preferable to the task at hand. He chewed his thumb, raising his eyes to Watari, "Watari, I'm sure we could find some...help....to make dinner. Don't you think we should be spending our time doing something....you know...important?"

 

Watari huffed and stood up a bit taller, "Are you saying that what I do every day is not important, sir?" He gave L a stern look and L slouched towards Light.

 

Light laughed behind his hand. "You two wimps. Are you so afraid of a little cooking? Three geniuses, right? We got this." And Watari beamed. "Whatcha got in mind Watari?"

 

Satisfied he had silenced dissent, Watari grabbed three frilly white aprons from a cabinet and handed one to each of them. "First, put these on."

 

Light sighed but put it on, L held it up in confusion as to even how to put it on, and Beyond stared at his in abject horror. Beyond make a face like he'd just eaten a handful of licorice jellybeans. “You gotta be kidding me. No way am I putting this on.”

 

Light gave him a look. "Put it on." And Beyond grumbled loudly but stabbed out his cigarette and put it on, now looking a bit like a psychotic maid with his black leather pants and glowing shinigami eyes.

 

L turned his around and upside down, confused by the mess of straps, armholes, pockets, and frills. "Um...." Light sighed and put it over his head, tying it behind him. L immediately stuck his hands in the front pockets, thinking of all the candy he could hide in there, and that maybe this fashion statement wasn't so bad after all. 

 

Watari gave a nod of approval. "Right! So, your assignment is...." Watari motioned dramatically to a covered box. "...to cook this turkey for Thanksgiving dinner." He pulled the cover off the box, and beneath was a cage with an extremely large tom turkey inside. This was no ordinary turkey, it may have even been a shinigami in disguise, L thought with concern. First, it was much larger than any turkey had a right to be, 30 pounds at least, and was very (very) annoyed at being taken from its farm and cooped up in, well, a coop. The monster turkey gobbled ominously and all three of them stepped back anxiously.

 

Now Light was even feeling a little nervous. "Um, Watari?" He pointed to the pusillanimous poultry. "It's not dead."

 

Watari looked at the cage closely, "Yes sir, that does seem to be the case."

 

Beyond slowly circled the cage as the foul fowl watched with a side-eye of disdain, "W-where'd you get this monster? That thing's more likely to eat US!"

 

L chewed his finger, thinking that he didn't even like turkey anyway, especially not enormous and ill-tempered ones, "Watari, can't we just be in charge of the pumpkin pie instead?"

 

"Absolutely not! L, I've been telling you for years that you need to learn to be more self-sufficient. Here's your chance to learn. Now, I've left instructions and a recipe for you on the table there. I'll be back in a few hours and I expect that turkey to be in the oven." He looked down his nose at the three, already imagining the mess he was going to have to clean up later. "Do I make myself clear?"

 

They all answered sullenly, "Yes Watari." 

 

Watari smiled. "In that case, good luck." And with a tip of his bowler hat at the turkey, he was out the door to do god knows what.

 

Light adjusted his apron nervously and turned to the other two's blank stares, knowing immediately he'd have to take charge. "Ok, here's what we're gonna do. L you go look at those instructions that Watari left for us, see what exactly's involved in this whole 'cooking a turkey' thing." He turned to Beyond, "And you're gonna help me kill this thing, ok?" He heard the turkey gobble loudly in indignation behind him. 

 

Beyond's eyes went wide. "Hey, how come L gets the safe job and I'm stuck murdering Birdzilla?"

 

L tapped his finger on his bottom lip, a little smile creeping there, "Because you're SO good at murder, Beyond. I'm sure a defenseless bird will present no challenge." And he headed over to the papers Watari left, holding them up in his fingertips and starting to read them closely.

 

Beyond shifted on his feet. "This is bullshit." A thought came to him. "I GOT IT!" Grabbing Light's arm, "We can use the death note!"

 

Light chuckled a little, "On a turkey? Cmon."

 

Beyond nodded excitedly, "Yeah! Why not? You got it?"

 

Light rolled his eyes, but pulled the death note from beneath his shirt. He sighed, "Well I suppose its worth a shot."

 

L called from across the counter, "Sorry to interrupt your conspiracy, but don't you need a name to write in the death note? I mean, are you just gonna write 'turkey of unusual size' and hope for the best?"

 

Beyond shot him an annoyed look. "Stick to the recipe book Emeril Lawliet! Let the real men over here slay the beast!" To Light, quieter, "So uh, yeah, what are we gonna write?"

 

Light crossed his arms, "You're the one with the shinigami eyes, you tell me." 

 

"Oh right." Beyond forced himself to look at the turkey, trying to figure out its name. "Wait! Oh my GOD! It actually has a name!"

 

L and Light together, "WHAT?"

 

Beyond grinned wide, "Yeah! Its...its name is... Turkey."

 

"Just Turkey." Light didn't look impressed. "We need a last name too, Beyond."

 

"Yeah yeah, I'm working on it. It seems to take a bit of time with...uh...Turkeys. It'll come to me though."

 

L peered over the instructions at them. "I highly doubt a turkey has a last name." The turkey ruffled its feathers as if agreeing that a last name for turkeys was highly unnecessary.

 

Beyond snapped his fingers, "I got it! Every turkey's last name has to be Bird, right?!" 

 

Light and L looked at each other and broke into hard laughter, L dropping the instructions and scrambling after them across the floor, but having a hard time through giggles. Light finally caught it and handed it back to him, then turned to Beyond, still dying of laughter. "Turkey Bird. That's really what the name says."

 

Beyond nodded seriously, "Turkey Bird! Let's write that sucker down!"

 

L rushed over, waving the instructions, "Hey, before you do, I got an idea. Should be a real timesaver."

 

Light sighed, knowing it was probably the opposite. "What, L?"

 

L put the instructions in front of them, "Look, we can just have the turkey do all the work for dinner and then pluck itself and roll around in the butter and then hop in the pan. That way we can just go do...something else." Anything else.

 

Light bit his lip to keep from laughing at L's idea. He looked so sincere Light didn't want to hurt his feelings. "Um...you really think that's gonna work?"

 

But Beyond apparently loved the idea too. "Yeah! L! You really ARE a genius!" He grabbed the death note from Light. "Ok, so L we only have like 6 minutes to write the entire recipe in the death note. You think that turkey can chop up vegetables and shit?"

 

L nodded seriously, eyes wide, "It can use its beak, right?"

 

Light gave him a dubious look, "L how is a turkey going to measure, get things out of the fridge, and all that kind of stuff?" They all turned to look at Turkey Bird, who had noticeably quieted, giving them a rather suspicious side-eye. "I mean, it can't do that shit with its wings."

 

But L was undeterred, he was positively grinning with his beautiful plan. "We can set all that stuff out for the turkey, and pre-measure everything so it will be easy for it!" He patted Light's shoulder, "I understand you wish you'd thought of this first Light, but even Kira must concede to a more masterful plan occasionally." Beyond nodded at Light too, entirely convinced of the brilliance before him that would get him out of this apron as soon as possible.

 

Light sighed heavily, knowing he was outnumbered. "Ok fine. Let's write the damn turkey's name and the whole stupid recipe in the death note. That'll give any users of it after us a good laugh and maybe a nice dinner idea one day." He ran his hand through his hair. "But better get the stuff prepped for Turkey Bird the chef first."

 

L began to rush around the kitchen, laying out all the utensils and properly measuring the ingredients that the turkey would need to cook itself. He preheated the oven and put a big pan in the open oven full of butter. When he was done he turned back to them, "Ok, all ready."

 

Light took out his pen and handed it to Beyond. "I'll let you do the honors, and then L you write in the instructions, ok?" Beyond took the pen and wrote, and then handed the pen and death note to L who finished:

 

**Turkey Bird - Has a heart attack in a 325 degree oven, but first it plucks all its feathers out, disembowels itself, stuffs itself with celery, onions, and carrots, sets the oven timer for 3.5 hours, jumps in the roasting pan, rolls around to evenly coat itself in butter, scoots the pan into the oven, closes the oven door.**

 

L nodded at his handiwork and handed the death note to Light. Light read it quickly, shaking his head in disbelief he was actually going along with this. "That gives us 40 seconds to open that cage and get the hell out of here." The turkey gobbled loudly and decidedly angrily as if it somehow knew what they were up to.

 

Light and L made a break for the door, "Get the cage open Beyond!" And they were on the other side, peeking through a tiny crack in the door.

 

"ME?!" Beyond turned to the now irate looking bird and edged towards the cage, reaching tentatively to open the cage door wide. "AHHHH!!!!" The turkey burst forth in a flailing flap of feathers, gobbling louder than any turkey had a right to, angry as hell.

 

Light and L were yelling at him through the door crack, "GET OVER HERE!! ITS LOOOOSE!!!"

 

Beyond high-tailed it to the door, pushing through it and slamming it shut. "Oh my god. That thing almost killed me." He turned to lock the door when they heard banging and clanging on the other side.

 

L held his ear to the door, "Do you think its plucking itself right now?"

 

Light covered his face with his hands. No. I don't think so L. Dear god Watari is gonna be pissed. "Yes, yes, I'm sure that's what its doing, L."

 

Beyond held L's thin arm up and high-fived him, "Alright! Us- one, turkey- ZERO!" He slung an arm around them both. "All this cooking has made me hungry, how about we all go out for Chinese? Watari won't be back for hours and that turkey will take at least 3 hours in the oven." His stomach growled loudly. He whined, "And I can't wait that loooooonnnngggg." He turned red puppy dog eyes to Light. 

 

Light was beginning to get a headache. "Chinese? Really? Don't you want to check on the turkey?"

 

L hooked a finger in his mouth, "Oooh I want everyone's fortune cookies. Actually I just want a big plate of fortune cookies." 

 

Beyond nodded and they started walking down the hall, Beyond pulling off his apron and throwing it in the trash can, L keeping his on as he'd decided he liked it after all.

 

Light stared after them, thinking about having to sit there while L opened 100 fortune cookies and insisted on reading all the fortunes aloud to everyone. And how under no circumstances was that turkey rolling disemboweled in butter right now, setting the kitchen timer or leaping into the oven. And how absolutely mad Watari was gonna be to find a huge pissed-off bird in his kitchen trashing the place instead of a nice roasted turkey for dinner. And that finally, after all his many triumphs, Kira had finally met his match in the form of a feathered adversary, and that yes, he was conceding defeat and no way in hell was he going in that kitchen. 

 

He ran after them, "Hey! Hey, wait for me! I'm coming too!" And they all gorged themselves on cheap but tasty Chinese food, and L made some nice origami out of the hundreds of paper fortunes he amassed by the end of the night. 

 

Light opened his fortune cookie and stared at it a long time before passing it to the others with a laugh:  **Having fun with friends is better than being right.**

 

All their cellphones went off simultaneously, and Light just hoped that Watari felt the same way. Light reluctantly looked at the text message.

 

Oh no. “It’s from Watari....” Light groaned and peeked through his fingers, scared to read the message.

 

But L chucked an origami turkey at Light’s head, “Is he complimenting us on our efforts?”

 

Light actually read the message and cringed a little. “Um....” Not exactly L. He stuck the phone in his pocket quickly. “How about we go out for ice cream? And then a movie?” And then maybe a one-way flight to Tahiti? Oh god, we can’t hide from Watari forever.

 

Beyond slurped down the last of his General Chao’s chicken and wiped his mouth on the tablecloth. “What did Watari say? He’s not eating without us is he?” He stifled a giggle.

 

Light shut his eyes, “No he’s definitely not doing that.”

 

”So what’d he say?” They both looked at him.

 

”Well, it seems that Watari is chasing a certain angry turkey around Kira HQ right now.”

 

L stopped folding origami and looked up with shock. “Oh no...”

 

Light let his head fall into his hands. “Yeah. We’re all toast.” 

 

L took out his phone and let it dangle from his fingertips as he dialed a number, “Yes Eiber....” He caught Light’s eye and shrugged his shoulders. “Uh huh. Listen, I’ve got a job for you...”

 

Beyond mumbled something that sounded remotely like ‘oops’ and bit his lip to hide his smile, picking at his empty plate. He met Light’s accusing gaze with a smirk. 

 

Light leaned forward and hissed to Beyond through his teeth, “Turkey Bird, eh.”

 

Beyond turned to Light, “Hey! L was so excited I couldn’t bear to tell him. Cmon it was funny! I mean Watari tried to make me wear a fucking apron!”

 

Light twisted his mouth, trying hard not to laugh. Finally he couldn’t hold it anymore, and devolved to giggling with Beyond until L was done with his call and turned to them, grey eyes serious.

 

L sighed and turned his eyes to the ceiling in thought, “I think we can safely say that the death note does not in fact work on turkeys.”

 

”Good call L.”

**Author's Note:**

> Kids, don’t drink and fic. But hope I made you smile a little :) Happy Thanksgiving!


End file.
